


shattered into ash

by bbyfruit



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of past abuse, this is........ Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 09:22:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16971942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbyfruit/pseuds/bbyfruit
Summary: He knew this would happen. He’s known for years.





	shattered into ash

_ flames, they licked the walls; _

_ tenderly they turned to dust all that i adore. _   
  


Isak Valtersen is pronounced dead at 5:57 on a snowy Thursday morning.

And Even spent his whole life trying everything to stop it, but everything wasn’t enough, and so he feels parts of himself die with Isak, in a hospital hallway with two doctors in front of him, before the sun rises.

He knew this would happen. He’s known for years.

See, the thing is that Even always assumed it would be him first. Ever since his diagnosis, he saw his own death as something inevitable, something that he was careening towards with no brakes, and then he met Isak.

He met Isak and the whole world slowed to a stop.

They were in that bar, the one with no sign outside, and Isak had the pink stripes on his cheeks and the want in his eyes and he was so beautiful that Even wanted to live in that moment forever.

And then Isak touched his arm and Even saw it all - Isak smiling and Isak laughing, Isak crying and Isak running, Isak dying and the sun rising through the windows of the hospital.

He could have stopped it. He could have been more careful, more attentive, more present, because he  _ knew _ . He knew. God fucking damn it, he knew.

He never told Isak. Isak was always so beautiful, so golden in the light, that Even couldn’t bring himself to explain that Even knew exactly how Isak’s body would look with all that light gone and white sheets stretched over it.

And now he’s here and the doctors are saying that they’re sorry, they’re so sorry that they couldn’t do more to help him, and all Even hears is  _ you could have done more _ . All Even hears is  _ you killed him _ . 

He doesn’t know what to do so he goes outside the hospital and sits on a bench, staring directly at the sun until he can’t see anything else, and then he closes his eyes and lets the imprint of the sun blind him behind his eyelids.

He doesn’t know how he’s expected to live. He doesn’t know a world without Isak and he doesn’t want to. 

Even pulls his knees to his chest and curls up on the bench.

* * *

_ Isak in the snow with a beanie pulled over his curls, cheeks pink and eyes watering with cold, little snowflakes collecting on the tips of his dark lashes. He laughs when Even slips in the snow and Even flicks him off, but gently. It’s their first date, their first real date, and Even is in awe of everything that this man is. He walks as if he believes in love and Even, Even’s a romantic, but he’s never really thought love was achievable for him. Watching Isak catch snowflakes on his tongue is changing that.  _

_ “C’mon,” Isak says, offering Even a gloved hand. Even takes it.  _

* * *

_ Isak in Even’s kitchen on a Sunday morning, dressed in a pair of Even’s boxers and nothing else, sitting on the counter with a cup of coffee in his hands. He swings his legs against the cabinet beneath him, heels hitting against the wood, and Even kisses him while the eggs overcook. _

_ Even sings along to the shitty pop song on the radio and Isak wrinkles his nose in disgust but his eyes are sparkling with joy as he watches Even put on a show for him. _

_ They eat rubbery scrambled eggs with their legs tangled together and Even knows then that he will spend the rest of his life loving this man. _

* * *

_ Isak crying in bed in the dark, waking Even up with stifled sobs into the pillowcase, and Even reaching his arms around to hold his boyfriend as gently as possible.  _

_ “Talk to me, baby,” Even tells Isak with his lips brushing the back of Isak’s neck and Isak’s whole body trembles.  _

_ He apologizes, over and over again, keeps saying, “I’m so fucking sorry,” and then he eventually gets out, “I’m a disaster, Even. Like, I shouldn’t be allowed to be a person.” _

_ And Even runs his hands through Isak’s hair and they spend the rest of the night whispering to each other. Even tells Isak about the notes he’s written at three in the morning, tear-stained and shaky handed, a bottle of pills in his left hand and a pen in his right. And Isak tells Even about how he can’t sleep because of the nightmares, the ones where his mother is screaming about God and his dad is punching holes in walls and he’s hiding and he can’t leave. And Isak cries, and Even cries, and then they sleep. _

_ In the morning, Even wipes the crust from the corners of Isak’s eyes, letting his fingers dust over Isak’s cheekbones, and Isak smiles in his sleep. _

* * *

 

_ Isak carrying boxes up the stairs to their new apartment, complaining the entire time, and Even shutting him up with kisses.  _

_ “I’m gross,” Isak whines, flopping down on their brand new bare mattress once they’ve got all the boxes up.  _

_ “Stop being a little bitch and take a shower, then,” Even teases. _

_ Isak stands and offers Even his hand, smirking, a callback to their first date and he says, “C’mon.” _

* * *

_ Isak on one knee in front of Even, half confident and half afraid, and everything slows down again when Isak says Even’s full name. _

_ “Even Bech Næsheim,” Isak says, voice trembling, and his words echo around Even. “Even Bech Næsheim. I am incredibly in love with you and I want to spend the rest of my life holding your hand. And other stuff, but I want to hold your hand for all eternity. What do you say?” _

_ And Even cries because it’s perfect, because Isak’s perfect, because he’s in love and he knows that it’s all ending soon. He knows that Isak has a ring on his finger when he dies. He can’t stop it. He can’t do anything but wait. _

* * *

_ Isak with wedding vows tumbling from his tongue, tie just a little loose like always, his hands joined with Even’s and a single tear running down from his eye into the corner of his smiling mouth. _

_ “I will love you for however long I am in this universe,” Isak begins, “and I will love you in every universe for all infinity.” _

_ And Even, Even knows that the next time he’ll be giving a speech like this is at Isak’s funeral, so he makes this one good, makes Isak cry hard, makes Isak kiss him hard, makes Isak the happiest man alive for few hours. He promises himself that he’ll make these next few years with Isak the best they could possibly be. _

* * *

_ Even doesn’t get a few years. He gets two and a half months of bliss and then he’s running through the streets to get to the hospital, his heart shattering like throwing bricks through windows, losing his goddamn mind for the thousandth time but this time - this time there’s a reason. _

_ The love of his life is dying and he’s not there. _

* * *

_ Isak in a hospital bed and Even can’t look at him, so he focuses on that ring on Isak’s finger and wonders how the fuck they got here, what the fuck he could’ve done to prevent this, how he could have loved Isak better, protected him more, been stronger.  _

* * *

Even is freezing cold in the snow. His body is shaking, teeth chattering, snow collecting on the shoulders of his jacket. He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting here, thinking about Isak, thinking about everything that went wrong, and he doesn’t have any desire to move. He lets himself imagine just being buried in the snow.

Fuck. Isak would be so disappointed in him if he did that. 

So he stands, and the sunlight is reflecting off of the snow, blinding white and bright, and Even walks away.

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy im back with a BANG with this one...  
> [tumblr!](https://transmikael.tumblr.com/)  
> 


End file.
